Jokes Thread -- Post all jokes here :)

[Delivered]

LMAO this is funny...haha..that lady on the jet almost made me huck..lol :(

[Teeumup]

Things that make you say "hmmmmm"....

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.



· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.



· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.



· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.



· Life is sexually transmitted.



· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?



· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a Whole box to start a campfire?



· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"



· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."



· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?



· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?



· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

and finally...

. If you leave your dog in a 90 degree car, they call it inhumane and hit you with a $100 fine, but if you leave your dog in a 90 degree sauna at a doggie day spa, they call it pampering and hit you with a $200 price tag.

[wlmartinek]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.







P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.
XXX

[lesee]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)





"W I N A B A G E L"

[riverswork16]

[wlmartinek]

Here you go Ladies Enjoy

JUST A MOM?



A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office
Was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.


"What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job or are you just a......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.


"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
Said the recorder emphatically.


I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
Same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
Efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."


"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it?
I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
Looked up as though she had not heard right.


I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
In bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
[what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
And already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
And I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are

More of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
Completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
Testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as some
more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.



Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations"
And great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants".

:lol: :D :D :D

[cleaninfaery]

that is awesome bill thank you.

[wlmartinek]

When sitting next to someone that irritates you

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....



1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this email.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link: www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

[riverswork16]

:lol: :lol: :lol: ....

[condra15]

Originally Posted by wlmartinek

When sitting next to someone that irritates you

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....



1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this email.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link: www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

i'll use that one on my future trips

hilarious :D