Jokes Thread -- Post all jokes here :)

[ILoveToys]

I've noticed a ton of different threads being started with one or two jokes in them, so I figured lets consolidate it a little bit. Please post all jokes in this thread from now on. Thanks.

[wlmartinek]

Subject: The cremated husband


Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio
table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"

Here it comes..........

[theanswer3mw]

It was the night before Christmas and Santa was delivering the presents to all the children. He goes down a chimney and there is a lady standing there in her bra and panties.

She says "Hey Santa wanna stay and play?"

Santa says "Ho ho gotta go gotta deliver all the presents to the kids ya know."

She takes off her bra, "Hey Santa now you wanna stay and play?"

"Ho ho gotta go gotta deliver all the presents to the kids ya know"

Then she takes off her panties and says "Hey Santa, now you wanna stay and play?"

Santa says "Hey hey gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*** this way

[lesee]

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


The Fence - Soooo Funny!!

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a
small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We
went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
Yes," she says, "I remember it well.
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and
the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[wlmartinek]

OMG FOTFL with my wife. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[GreenJello]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?? ?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

[GreenJello]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it! I
told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is
to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking
my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.....

[GreenJello]

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding his pony along with
a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[wlmartinek]

:D :D GONE FISHING :lol: :lol:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing
in that shit?"

[wlmartinek]

MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS

This is a picture of the US Air Force's new 21,000 pound MOAB --- he
"Mother Of All Bombs".

It is an upgrade of the 15,000 pound "Daisy cutter" which was used n
Afghanistan .

The USAF coalition forces are planning to drop the MOAB on Tehran .

From the looks of it, if you get hit with this you haven't got a prayer.
















__________________________________________________ ____________________