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[decolorofomoney]

A policeman sees an elderly woman going down the street with a large, paper bag in each hand, with $10 bills spilling from one of them. He stops her and tells her she's dropping money, and she thanks him, picking up the lost bills. "Do you mind if I ask where that money came from?" he says.
"Well, Sonny, I live by the stadium, and every time there's a ball game, when it lets out, men come by and urinate in my shrubs. So I climb in there with my hedge clippers and tell them, 'Ten bucks or you lose it!'"
The officer is stunned, then asks, "What's in the other bag?"
The lady leans in and confides, "Not all of them pay."

[brenda duran]

Ladies Night

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the marketer in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home ...

[apriljerdee]

Originally Posted by decolorofomoney

A policeman sees an elderly woman going down the street with a large, paper bag in each hand, with $10 bills spilling from one of them. He stops her and tells her she's dropping money, and she thanks him, picking up the lost bills. "Do you mind if I ask where that money came from?" he says.
"Well, Sonny, I live by the stadium, and every time there's a ball game, when it lets out, men come by and urinate in my shrubs. So I climb in there with my hedge clippers and tell them, 'Ten bucks or you lose it!'"
The officer is stunned, then asks, "What's in the other bag?"
The lady leans in and confides, "Not all of them pay."

That's funny!

[brenda duran]

Don't Lie to Your Mother

John's mother was visiting from a nearby town. During dinner one evening, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and the roommate and this only made her curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thought, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take a gravy ladle; but the fact remains, that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Love,
John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Julie, but the fact remains, that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now
Love,
Mom

[apriljerdee]

Originally Posted by brenda duran

Don't Lie to Your Mother

John's mother was visiting from a nearby town. During dinner one evening, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and the roommate and this only made her curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thought, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take a gravy ladle; but the fact remains, that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Love,
John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Julie, but the fact remains, that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now
Love,
Mom

Another funny one!

[force10988]

A sailor walks into a bar and the bar tender says.Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants???The sailor replies back IDK BUT ITS DRIVING ME NUTS

[brenda duran]

Heavenly Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's." The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man "And whose clock is that one?" *

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock." The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

"Where's Senator John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

"Senator's Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office." St. Peter responded.

"Senator Kerry's clock is so important it is in Jesus' office?" Asked, the man.

"Yes, he's using it as a ceiling fan." Responded St. Peter.

[brenda duran]

Praying Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[brenda duran]

The Blonde House Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is o.k.

She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said ...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[brenda duran]

What a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.